I know I’m going to go a little off topic from my weekly blog routine and talk about depression and anxiety. I’ve been noticing a lot of people openly admit that depression and anxiety isn’t talked about enough or overlooked. I couldn’t agree more. Struggling with control over your emotions is overlooked period. Many people think just because you aren’t dealing with anything physically you’ll be okay.
Eventually, yeah you’ll be okay..but no one talks about how to get through the dark times when it’s hard to find the light.
I didn’t experience depression until I lost everything and everyone I thought created the world around me. I lost someone I depended on for everything, friends, my drive, my motivation, and my strength. Now, Today I know exactly why I lost those things. I should’ve looked to God to fill me with all I was depending on everyone else for.
You become confused, hurt, and miserable.
It was my second time moving to College Station, TX. It was suppose to be perfect. I had this really nice townhouse that I shared with two random roommates. I wanted to make new friends, so I figured that was a start. My mom had just bought me my first car, and I was able to get around like I wanted to. None of those materialistic blessings mattered to me when things started crumbling down right before my eyes. I needed my soul saved.
I remember not being able to sleep at night. I had no idea why, but I just diagnosed myself with insomnia. I’d be up all night letting every negative thought you could think of take over my mind. I would end up sleeping all the next day most likely missing class, and work.
I’m a very outgoing, people’s person. I love talking to, and meeting new people.
At that point in my life I absolutely hated being around people if I didn’t have to be. I stayed locked up in my room, and only came out when I needed to eat. I barley did any of that at this point anyway, because I’d never have a appetite. I lost a lot of weight that year from not eating and stressing.
Mom, My Forever BFF
I’ve always wrote in my journal, so that’s what i did when i just needed to express my raw thought. I still remember writing how i never wanted to have kids, because i didn’t want them to have to experience this part of life. Being that I’m a very independent child calling my mom for every little emotion i felt was not an option for me. She knew what was going on with me and did the best she could to give me encouragement, pray with me and let me know things will get better. If my mom could’ve took away all my pain and problems I’m sure she would’ve. She’s my best friend. I didn’t know how I was going to face this situation without her. This was something I had to get through on my own. It sucked, because I had no idea what to do. I hated being alone, and dealing with my own emotions while in another city with no family or friends to escape all the chaos was torture to me.
I grew up in the church, and was raised around a praying family. I knew I should pray everyday and night, but I didn’t exactly have that relationship with God like I should. My relationship with my Dad wasn’t the best either at that time. The guy that I was dating filled that whole in my life, so It didn’t matter to me. Long as I had him I was good. He literally looked out and came through for me like a father should, so I admired the fact that I knew one day he’d make a great Dad.
When we decided to go our separate ways that was God was of setting me up to have the best relationship with my Dad I’ve ever had! Today we are closer than ever, and it’s not one thing I don’t tell my Dad. You use to couldn’t pay me to tell my daddy any of my business. I just thought it was weird that I’m a girl, and I didn’t think he would ever understand anything I was facing because he’s a man. I was wrong, of course.
So that was God’s way of saying how can you want a better relationship with me your father, but don’t have one with the father I blessed you with on earth.
(I encourage everyone to have relationships with their parents regardless of any past or present issues. It’s important, and nothing in the world can buy you that love and bond from your parents.)
Thank You Mom & Dad for being the best things that happened to me.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and starting trying to make a change. I knew i needed self encouragement the most, so that’s just what i did. I would wake up every morning and listen to Joel Osteen on YouTube. He’s more of a life coach, and has gave me some of the best advice. I even started posting sticking notes all over my bathroom mirrors and room. I put positive quotes on them, so that soon as i wake up in the morning i read nothing but good things to start my day.
(here’s one picture i found to show you)
I did whatever corny thing i had to do to build my confidence, my faith, my strength, and heal the right way. I even learned to do my makeup. My best friend had just introduced me to the makeup life, so I was a beginner. I started focusing on how to perfect that more. I would do my makeup most mornings just so I could feel good about who I was. Still covering up my insecurities.
During Christmas break is when i did the ultimate “No No”. I let my emotions and anger take over me, and I reacted off of them. I learned that night that when someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore it’s okay. We sometimes believe we deserve closure and an explanation why, and how did things even get to that point. We don’t. At least not right when we want it is when we will get it. That night i demanded to know why things went so sour.
“What you don’t know won’t hurt you.”
I believe in that to a certain extent. Now i won’t purposely keep things from someone because I know it’ll hurt them. I’ve been starting this new thing where I’m 100 percent honest with people about everything. In that situation that quote was real and relevant to me. I said I wanted to know why things went sour right? Literally praying asking God why. There it was right in my face, and of course at the time i couldn’t handle it. Believe me when I say when someone doesn’t want to be with you, BELIEVE THEM! You don’t need any explanation as to why. You don’t need closure if they didn’t think enough of you to give it to you. Just move forward for you. For your growth. For new opportunities at life.
Enough of that I got off subject real fast.
Basically going through depression isn’t easy. Feeling like your entire world is crashing down isn’t a good feeling, but I couldn’t continue to feel the way I did. I had to make a change for myself, and the people around me. I didn’t wanna always be the “Debbie Downer” so I looked deeper into why things was happening the way the way there were.
God was most definitely shifting some things in my life for the better. Focusing on yourself and your future is never a waste. I learned so much about myself and Jesus. I wouldn’t change anything I went through, because sometimes our greatest lessons are learned through pain. Something that we think is meant to set us back, may be God’s way of setting us up for a promotion. Trust the process. The light may be hard to see, but know that after the storm the sun always comes out again.
Always remember God loves you, and he’ll never put more on you that you can bear.
I love you & God Bless You ✨